BEING SHAFTED
Revised Early Release Policy
(All Employees over 45 years old)
As a result of the reduction of money for all departmental areas, we are forced
to reduce the numbers of personnel we employ.
Under this new plan, older employees will be asked to leave on early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent the core of our
future plans.
A programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current financial
year will be implemented immediately. This programme will be known as "Retire
Aged People Early" (or RAPE).
Employees who are being RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek other
employment outwith the Company. RAPEd employees can request a review of their
current employment records before retirement takes place. This phase of the plan
is called "Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers" (or SCREW).
All employees who have been RAPEd or SCREWed may file an appeal with Senior
Management. This will be called "Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination" (or SHAFT). Under the terms of the policy, an employee may be RAPEd
once, SCREWed twice but SHAFTed as many times as the Company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures he/she will be entitled to receive
"Half Earnings for Retired Persons Early Severance" (or HERPES). As this is
considered a benefit plan, any employee who has been given HERPES will no longer
be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Company but may continue to be SHAFTed ad infinitum.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain with us that they
will continue to receive the highest levels of training through our "Special
High Intensity Training" (or SHIT). The Company takes pride in the amount of
SHIT our employees receive. We believe we have given our staff more SHIT than
any other company in the industry. If any employee considers that he/she does
not receive enough SHIT on the job, they should notify their immediate
supervisor who has been trained to ensure that employees receive all the SHIT
they can take.
Tram
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'THANKS FOR TRAVELLING SCUMBUS'